Have you been following the presidential campaign? Nope, me neither. It’s hard not to see things, though, especially since the Republican Party seems to have formally adopted a platform of manufactured outrage and unintentional comedy and the Internet pretty much runs on that.
Seriously, though, we have to pick a leader for the country and official channels haven’t really offered us anything that doesn’t look like a poorly thought-out circus act. We have Ringmaster Trump and the GOP Clown Car Troupe on one side, and on the other side we’ve got Fire-Eating Hillary and Bernie the Earnest Juggler. Oh, and we’ve got a special appearance by famous flying monkey breeder and pony lover Vermin Supreme.
Both of my twenty-something children have expressed interest in voting for Vermin Supreme because he’s promised to give everyone in the country a free pony if he wins and he supports federally-funded time travel research. He also has a wizard beard and wears a boot on his head, which they and their friends seem to find particularly appealing in a presidential candidate for some reason.
I personally think we need someone who looks and sounds a little more like White House material. Someone who won’t ever embarrass us when entertaining foreign dignitaries because he knows his etiquette, dammit. Someone like Dr. Ronald Taylor.
Ron takes no stands on any issues, but he believes in America. I would expect four years of impeccably conducted White House functions, soothing State of the Unions, and perfect photo ops from Ron. He probably won’t try to make many changes, but that’s okay – too many changes make the Republicans shut down the government, and I think we’re all tired of that. And his slogan is ‘Okay, Let’s Make Ron President’, which I find refreshingly straightforward.
Of course, you might not like any of the candidates at all. You might be disgusted by the political circus, sick of the ads and debates and campaigning and rabid Bernie supporters in all the forums (that grassroots campaign seems to have a lot of loco weed growing in it lately). You still need to vote for someone, though, because voting is important – the more we don’t do it, the more our government thinks we don’t care what they do so they can just do whatever they want. So here’s how to pick which box to check to elect the Next President of the United States if your polling place won’t let you write in Jack O’Neill or the equivalent:
- Ignore the party circus. Ignore the sound bytes, the scandals, the debates, the news stories and the hype. None of that means anything, really, it’s all just noise being made to get your attention.
- Ignore the promises, too, because they aren’t really promises: Campaign promises indicate things a candidate might like to do if they get into office, not things they’ll actually be able to do.
- Now go over to someplace that puts out a reasonably neutral candidate guide. Read the information on each candidate. Yes, all of it. Come on, it’s once every four years and the fate of the free world depends on the outcome, you can at least skim through the thing.
- Make sure you are registered to vote.
- Go down to your polling place on the big day and vote for whoever’s positions line up the best with what’s important to you and/or how you’d like to see the country run.
- That’s it! You’re done for the next 4 years, unless you decide you like voting so much you want to start doing it in local and state elections too.
The upshot is, there is no right or wrong way to vote except by not voting at all. Voting does not mean you care about politics or that you’re supporting the political circus by buying a ticket – voting is you officially expressing your opinion about how your country’s government should be run, and about how you want that government to impact your life and livelihood going forward. So pick somebody, vote for them, and wear your ‘I Voted!’ sticker with pride.
Oh yeah, did I mention you get a free sticker for voting? Because you totally do, and sometimes they also have candy. 😀