It’s less than a week away! I mean Black Friday, of course. You thought I meant Thanksgiving? Pfft. Thanksgiving is just the Black Friday pre-game.
I’ve bitched about Black Friday before, not going to repeat the rant again. I know that for some of you the Annual Barbarian Melee is a tradition and you have no desire to give it up. So if you’re one of those people, I have just one tiny request of you – don’t worry, you’re going to like it. Here it is:
When you drive down to the store parking lot in the wee hours of Black Friday’s frigid morning, you’re probably going to see someone who’s been camped out in that parking lot for hours or even days because they need that one 75%-off smarter-than-they-are TV more than they’ve ever needed anything else in their lives. I want you to watch this person; I want you to get close to them, and stay close.
And when those doors open, I want you to cockblock that avaricious asshole so hard they won’t get their shopping boner up again until Valentines Day. You can even get your friends to help – any tradition worth keeping is worth sharing, right? Just get in the way of that one unrepentant cheating douchebag enough to slow them down so they can’t be first, and then you can plunge into the melee and enjoy yourself. Will you do that for me? Will you do it for all of us? Because with this one small act, you can put some of the true meaning back into the Black Friday holiday. The retailers may want it to be all about the money, but we know that this isn’t just about shopping, oh no – Black Friday is about letting the gleeful barbarian melee fighter inside of you come out to play.
Oh, and if you see someone leave their baby in a cart while they run off in pursuit of those sweet, sweet deals? First person to reach the baby gets to keep it – just tell the cashier it’s the spoils of war.