The sacred day of battle draws near, and lo I have discovered that the worship of Saint Conan has gone international. Yes, in spite of their Day of Thanks celebrations occurring weeks before our own feast day, the Kingdom of Canada also celebrates Annual Barbarian Melee Day.
Granted, the stakes are a lot lower and the bloodlust greatly reduced. And there is no grand and bounteous feast held beforehand. But still, it happens! All hail our Northern brethren in audacity, and pray that the blessings of St. Conan will be upon them as they venture forth to do battle on the holy day of days.
As usual, this convenient chart lists all of the holiday openings, closings, and online sales in the US. And lo, this year the targets of our righteous ire are the disciples of Mammon who run Dollar General, Family Dollar, Kmart, Radio Shack, Big Lots, Bass Pro Shop, Cabela’s, and BrandsMart USA. Shun them, warrior, for such as they do not deserve to profit from the true followers of St. Conan.
 The Litany of Saint Conan“Oh Saint Conan, Patron of Black Friday Shoppers, grant us your blessing on this, your feast day. Cover us with audacity, remove our fear of consequences. Your hand be upon us as we dash the hopes and spill the blood of our adversaries, that we might emerge victorious and bear home our spoils in triumph. And curse those who would best us on the field of consumer battle; may their credit card interest be a burden to them for all the days of their lives. By the shadow of your sword which falls upon us, amen.” |
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