And once again, the sacred day of battle draws near.
Are you ready, warrior? Have you selected your armor, broken in your running shoes, paid down your credit cards, and come up with plausible excuses to extricate your family from this year’s chosen relation’s house early without causing a feud? Or if your chosen field of battle is the less than physical, have you updated your apps, checked your connection speed, and made sure the right card in your online wallet is set as the primary? Are you prepared to rise in the darkness of a frigid morning to join the rest of the horde in glorious acquisitiveness, boldly snatching the final discounted product on a shelf from beneath multiple grasping hands or slyly sniping the other fourteen people who already have your desired item in their unworthy carts? Have you added a codicil to your will specifying the equitable distribution of any spoils you might have acquired should you die in this year’s battle, and left instructions for your heirs as to how you would like to be avenged should such a noble but terrible fate befall you? If so, then go about your feasting preparations with a joyful heart and the litany of St. Conan on your lips, knowing that all is in readiness.
Oh, and don’t forget to wear your mask, because the one spoil of war you don’t want to bring home is this season’s version of coronavirus or whatever other virus might be floating around in those tightly packed crowds. As a bonus, wearing a generic blue mask means you’ll be harder to identify on your chosen battlefield’s security cameras. 😉
To find out which merchants are worthy of your presence on this holiest and most violent of days, consult this convenient chart which lists all of the holiday openings, closings, and online sales. Once again Radio Shack, Big Lots, Bass Pro Shop and Cabela’s have revealed themselves as foul and filthy temples of Mammon, and so has Kmart. And BrandsMart USA is opening on Thanksgiving from 4pm to 1am only to then open again five hours later – are those woefully underpaid employees going home? Probably not. People of Florida and Georgia, we will light a candle for you this year in St. Conan’s name, that you may someday be delivered of this base and ridiculously evil consumer electronics retailer.
|The Litany of Saint Conan
“Oh Saint Conan, Patron of Black Friday Shoppers, grant us your blessing on this, your feast day. Cover us with audacity, remove our fear of consequences. Your hand be upon us as we dash the hopes and spill the blood of our adversaries, that we might emerge victorious and bear home our spoils in triumph. And curse those who would best us on the field of consumer battle; may their credit card interest be a burden to them for all the days of their lives. By the shadow of your sword which falls upon us, amen.”