Celebrate, my friends, for the grand day is upon us. All Hail St. Conan!
To all our sorrow, Mammon has overtaken us this year with whispers of deals to be won and pittances to be saved creeping in even before the revels of Halloween could take place. His sales were seemingly endless, his marketing beguiling, and in the midst of an economy in shambles he called forth his basest and most ruthless weapon, commercialization. Yes, the term Black Friday has become ubiquitous and we teeter on the brink of falling just as so many other holy days have fallen, of becoming a crass and meaningless marketing exercise which serves only to line the pockets of Mammon’s most faithful priests and servants while those who should have been fearless warriors against them grow weak and cowardly in the shadows of their home offices, their keyboards sticky with the orange dust of failure.
And so it falls upon you, faithful barbarian melee warrior, to keep the spirit of St. Conan alive in these dark days. Don your armor as you indulge in online shopping. Recite the Litany of St. Conan over your laden table, and toast His name like the warriors of old. Whisper to your child as they fall asleep of how you found them abandoned in a shopping cart on Aisle 4 and carried them home as the spoils of battle. Train with your friends and family, that you might someday once again engage in honorable melee and also avoid suffering an ignoble and senseless death. (here’s more and even more info for learning how to spot the kind of situations that could get you killed.)
Again this year there was one handy chart listing all the holiday openings, closings, and online sale info. And again, most of the Thanksgiving Day openers were not all that bad – except for Radio Shack, cringing dog of the mostly abandoned strip malls that it is, and Big Lots, which just has no shame. Cabela’s and Bass Pro Shops are a lost cause, I suspect because women drowning in Turkey Day duties are sending their unhelpful menfolk there to get them out from underfoot. No blame for the dollar stores, which have become the grocery stores of choice for people who can’t afford Walmart. Meijer never closes, so they’re off the hook; ditto for the drugstores on the list. And BrandsMart USA…is mostly a Florida thing, ’nuff said.
 The Litany of Saint Conan“Oh Saint Conan, Patron of Black Friday Shoppers, grant us your blessing on this, your feast day. Cover us with audacity, remove our fear of consequences. Your hand be upon us as we dash the hopes and spill the blood of our adversaries, that we might emerge victorious and bear home our spoils in triumph. And curse those who would best us on the field of consumer battle; may their credit card interest be a burden to them for all the days of their lives. By the shadow of your sword which falls upon us, amen.” |